Avoidance

 

I made it through September fairly unscathed! Now I am marching toward the end of October. I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m working super hard.

I’ve been a little home sick. Just a little.

More so missing my tribe. The trusted friends. The comforting circles. The natural laughter.

God how I miss it.

Now that is not to say I don’t have tons of acquaintances here. I do.

But they are acquaintances. And that’s okay.

Did I mention I am now a full-time mom to Tim’s biological oldest? I sure am. She lives with us Monday – Friday and every other weekend. That’s an interesting change. It sort of shifted the dynamic. He loves it, and that’s great. I’m still adjusting.

Work is work. So. Much. Work. I love my job and what I do – but it is pretty much a a job where the public gets to criticize our community (regardless of how many strides you have taken) and I am “ON” 24-7.

We did decide to build a house – which we are in the middle of. We might be in by Christmas. That’s crazy all in and of itself. I’m at the: Pick the light fixtures and ceramics/wood/carpet phase.

Didn’t I just get married in Feb? Oh… it’s already been 8 months. Where in the hell did the days go? And didn’t I just rebrand a community? Oh yeah.. that was 6 months ago.

Le Sigh. This little girl is tired. I did always say – go big or go home!

This is why I have sort of avoided writing. My brain is swirling in circles and I’m finding myself sort of….

Checking out.

I knew it would come. This is not my first rodeo…. moving to a new place. If I think back far enough, I need to remember those first two years in Birmingham. They were sort of lonely and not easy. In other words, I need to be more patient with myself.

I made the mental list of all of the good things in my life – and they are plentiful! Then I made a list of all of the things stressing me out… and unfortunately, that list was a heck of a lot longer. The good: Love my husband, my new home to be, the type of work I get to do, and the potential for all of the above. The bad? Eh… just day-to-day triggers. Nothing horrible, but they were starting to annoy me a little more. That annoyance triggered some impatience, snippy remarks, a poor attitude, and a lack of tolerance for anything and everyone.

That can’t be good.

Is it hormonal? I am experiencing issues with some potential… dare I say it… menopausal symptoms. Is it stress? Doing too much in such a short time? Is it lack of a spiritual community? I have yet to find a church home. Is it social? No real TRUE support system as of yet. (Outside of my sweet hubby, which I can’t possibly dump everything on?) Those are the questions I am pondering and working through.

One strategy is to make a list of all of the things that I enjoy doing – alone. This I can control. Then prioritizing those things. First step was FINALLY joining a gym. I’m going to start this weekend. Then, I am just going to bite the bullet and start attending the Catholic Church. I’ll figure out the rest as I go. And then there are the fun hobbies….

Who knows?

I remember years ago, a sweet therapist once said – It’s all about being self-aware, and that, my friends, is exactly what I am doing.

No more avoiding. I’m a fixer and a doer. Time to go do… and stop waiting for some magical fairy to swoop down and fix everything.

Until next time..