At The Top Of The Hill

Here I am: Sitting at the top of the hill.

What hill is that?

The one that basically says I am halfway into the game.

I turn 45 in exactly 2 weeks. Fourteen days  and yes, according to science and society, I will be middle-aged.

This doesn’t scare me so much as the pending time that begins to tick in the opposite direction. For example, this coming Monday, Tim & I will close our loan on the house. We are changing from a Construction Loan to a Mortgage and we opted for the 15 year loan.

Why?

Because in 15 years I will be 60 years old. We want to retire without a mortgage over our heads.

FIFTEEN YEARS.

A lot can happen in 15 years, but it also flies by oh-so-fast. I do realize 15 years ago I was 30. I still lived in Macon, was still married to my first husband, and yet at this point in time, I had not experienced a lot of big stuff: The Big C, meningitis, lay offs, big moves to bigger cities, divorce, new relationships, a whole new life, and some of the darkest days of my life. The 30s were equally exciting & empowering, as well as devastating & humbling. When I turned 40, I got divorced, moved home, rebuilt my life and everything… I mean EVERYTHING changed.

Now… here I am staring at the future. Looking it smack dab in the eye. I have my arms on my waist and I am taking a deep breath. Time will eventually run out. Most people barely make it through their 70s. I realize I could make it past the 80s.. but none of that is guaranteed. Hell, a 45th birthday is not guaranteed.

But here we are. Middle age.

Nice to meet you. I knew you were coming, I just didn’t expect it so soon.

I’m starting to see some lines, and they are not so fine anymore. They are deeper and more pronounced. I’ve toyed with the idea of Botox, but then again, I am so much into authenticity, I find it hard to cross over. My hair has been graying since my early 20s. It started with a few around my face, but now, if I didn’t get my hair colored, I would be completely silver. THAT is hard to believe. Plus, I used to color my hair every 8 weeks, now we are at 5 weeks. At some point in the next 15 – 20 years, I might make that transition. But not now. I still have time.

But not much.

I started to experience fatigue in my 30s and by my 40s I really understood what it meant to be tired. Not just physically tired, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can now comfortably take a nap and I can also comfortably say NO. I am more selfish with my time and more protective of my personal space. Time keeps on ticking… and I need to savor every moment.

Thankfully some bad stuff happened during my 30s. Things that shook me to my core. Nothing earth shattering, but enough to change me into a better me. I worked and fought hard for the life I lead now (be it as humble and flawed as it is,) and I am eternally grateful for this transition.

 

The abuse I put on my body in my twenties & 30s has caught up with me in my 40s. I am much heavier and less active, and I have aches and pains you can’t imagine. I go through phases of doing better, then I fall off the health-wagon, only to start back at zero.

But it wasn’t always that way.

Maybe year 45 can be the five-year count down to something amazing. Maybe I will flourish in my 50s in ways I never could have imagined. Maybe…

…. and time keeps on ticking.

Here’s to the future! Lets us savor the special moments, schedule our hair appointments a few weeks sooner, and invest in a little more Ben Gay!

45 – I see you and I am ready.